A Bond: By Christine McFarlane

I remember when I traveled down to see you. It was a five and a half hour trip on the Greyhound bus. I wanted to see you because it was going to be your birthday and I had not seen you since Christmas time.

You were turning fourteen! I couldn't believe it, and I still shake my head because you have grown up so fast. Just yesterday you were a child, and now you are growing into a young woman. You are my sister's daughter, but at times I feel like you are my own daughter because I feel a bond between you and I that even for me is hard to explain. I am so proud that you are my niece and I love you very much. Nothing will ever change that, I know that deep inside my heart.

The first night I visited, I was over at your dad's, while you were out with your stepmom and your little sisters. I could not wait to call you and when I did, you asked almost right away "Chrissy, can you come over?" In reply, I told you, "no problem, I will be there soon." I hung up the phone and told your dad that I was heading over to see you. I shrugged on my jacket. As I closed the door behind me, I quickly lit up a cigarette. I needed a quick drag because I knew that I could not smoke in front of you or around you. The night air was crisp, so I walked quickly.

As I am walking, I think about how you mentioned in our call that you " don't know how you feel these days." Inside I am telling myself, "boy can I ever relate to that." There have been many times where I have felt confused and unsure of how I was feeling-but I know this isn't about me-it's about you and what you are currently going through. I am hoping that you will talk to me, and feel that you can confide in me.  You live around the corner from your dad's, so it only took a couple of minutes, maybe five minutes at the most to go over and see you. Before I turn the corner onto your street, I quickly put out the cigarette I have pinched between my fingers. I know you know I smoke, but I know I would feel guilty if I ever smoked in front of you or around you, because that is not something an aunt wants to teach her niece. 

I remember the Christmas that you were about eight or nine years old. You proudly gave me a book on "How to Quit Smoking." After you gave me the booklet, you came and sat on my lap and told me "I don't want you to die."  I remember almost crying when you told me that. I have tried to quit a few times but I have never really been successful. I worry that I have let you down in that department because I still smoke, despite the concern you have voiced since you were a little girl.

I don't want you to follow in that path or pick up a habit that becomes an addiction. An addiction that masks your ability to cope with the challenges life will surely bring you as you progress through your teenage years.

As I come around the corner onto your street, I see that you are waiting outside for me. You see that I am coming and you start running and doing a half jig as you come towards me. I have to laugh, it makes me smile to see you and your excitement. You almost bowl me over when you jump to give me a hug. 

After we watch a movie with the family, we go and sit on the front porch. It is there that you open up and tell me what is going on with you. You tell me why you have been feeling depressed and the things going on that have had you feeling sad. As you sit beside me, and pour out your thoughts, I feel thankful that you are telling me instead of keeping it all inside. Keeping things inside, was something that I had done at your age, and it very nearly destroyed me. I am glad that you voicing your pain and getting it out.

I feel my heart wrench when you emphatically state "I am tired of losing people, people coming and going out of my life," and that for once "I want to be able to keep someone."

I put my arm around you, but I couldn't voice to you what I am saying to you now, because at the time I wanted to cry. Your pain felt similar to the pain I have gone through in my life, and I see where it is coming from. I wanted to let you have that moment of confiding in me, so that you know I am around for you, despite how far I live from you. I may be four hours away, but you are always in my thoughts.

I wanted to tell you "I will never leave you, I am here," and I wanted to tell you "this struggle is something I went through and I understand the pain and confusion it can bring," and lastly I wanted to tell you " though things seem hard right now, there is someone who understands, you are not alone." 

You need to stay strong, this too shall pass..