The Dream-The Past Can No Longer Hurt Me

By: Christine Smith (McFarlane)

KA..THUMP.....KA THUMP.....KA THUMP..

My heart pounding is the first sensation I feel stirring within my body as I awake with a start. My chest is heaving up and down, up and down, I feel sweat forming upon my forehead and dripping down my cheeks. The sensation of sweat pooling elsewhere, especially under my armpits makes me shiver. I grab my blanket. I want to throw it off me but instead I draw it closer around me, and burrow deeper into my bed.

I'm laying as still as I can while I try to catch my breath. At first I'm not sure why I've awakened like this. It's the second day in a row that this has happened, but as I try to slow my breathing down and will my heart to slow to its regular rhythm, my mind wanders to the vague dream I've just had.

In the dream, I'm a child of six or seven and someone is showing me picture albums. They're not showing me them in a loving, gentle way. There's no laughing or smiling, only sudden jerky movements.

I see a child, scared and frightened, but the adult in this dream does nothing to ease that fear. The adult is waving their arms, their face contorted in anger and I hear them yelling

"See this picture..."

 "See this one.."

 "You were never crying in pictures, you were always happy in these pictures, how can you say that you weren't?"

"Didn't you know that pictures can belie the truth, and mask what is hidden behind closed doors?" I want to yell back, but instead I see my younger self nod at this person and the tears trickle down my cheeks.

I feel the sadness, the fear within this younger child and realize this child was me. I want to reach out and gather this child in my arms and give her a hug. Let her know that she's going to be okay, but for some reason the adult me in this dream doesn't let me. Instead I stand by and watch as this child's pain and sadness transfers over and tries to engulf me in the present.

All of a sudden,  the sound of my alarm clock going

BEEP.....BEEP....BEEP... breaks through my reverie. I reach over to turn it off and in my head I repeat over and over again

"I'm okay, I'm okay "

"I'm in the present," and

"the past can no longer hurt me."



P.S. I work on the three above affirmations every day, and when things feel tough and I think I can't handle it, I try to think of a list of positive affirmations that are unique to me, and say them over and over again. I need to believe these affirmations. I wonder when you awake from memory dreams that have clearly shaken you, what do you do?